Here are some "terrifying" new viruses on the prowl....

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

Ollie North Virus
plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Joey Buttafuaco Virus
only attacks minor files

Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Jane Fonda Virus
attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

The Micro$oft virus
Locks up your system and displays the following message:
"We have your Hard Drive, if you ever want to see it again you must install Window$ 95 AND Internet Explorer...If you attempt to defeat this virus by turning the power off, your computer will self destruct."

The Clinton Whitewater virus
After boot-up, displays the following message everytime you hit a key or move the mouse: "File not found."