Explanation for the following article: For those of you who do not know, ROT13 is a method used in some news groups to encode offensive material so that it is not so easily read. The ROT13 method simply adds 13 to the ASCII value of the letter that was typed. Of course, the encoding wraps around so that only A-Z and a-z are used in the encoding. That is what makes this article so funny.

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1. GOVERNMENT CLAIMS ROT13 UNBREAKABLE

The United States Government today announced plans to make ROT13 the standard encryption protocol for the nation today. "We believe that there is no computer in existence today that can crack this code", a senior spokesman stated in a press conference. "It would take a billion years for the most powerful supercomputer in existence to crack it." In a related move, the Commerce Department announced sanctions on all encryption stronger than the ROT13, declaring it a "dangerous munition" and a "threat to the United States national security". This move was denounced by many encryption experts, some of whom claimed that they could decrypt ROT13, a cipher that works by simple numerical transposition, in their heads. The Commerce department, the FBI, and the NSA debunked this as "utter nonsense". Several of the would-be "hackers" proceeded to demonstrate their amazing ability, at which time they were promptly arrested for high treason. RSA Labs had no official comment.

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2. FRUIT-BASED COMPUTERS: ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Orchard Technologies took the world by storm on Friday, when it announced to the world it had successfully genetically enhanced an orange to store and manipulate data. "This is the ultimate handheld computer. What we've done is enhance the chemical structure of the orange's DNA to allow short-term data storage and retrieval. It's really very exciting.", said Richard Mothball, CEO of Orchard. "Plus, they're a valuable source of Vitamin C. Get it? C? C++?" None of the journalists got it.

Demonstrating the new handheld, dubbed the Oranj, he peeled back the skin, showing an organic touchscreen on the inside, and retrieved some e-mail. Then he fiddled with his contact manager, played a quick game of tetris, and did some web browsing. Then he ate it. "The average orange has enough citric acid to run the circuits for a week on standby, or two days of average use, after which they decay." "Users can update their Oranjes using our handy KitchenSync cradle, which attaches to the parallel port of any PC." By way of demonstration, he dropped another orange into the KitchenSync, tapped a few keys, and then lifted out the orange. "Now my contact manager is up to date. And since any changes I make are stored in Flash-DNA, all I need is a small sample to update my PC." To illustrate, he changed a contact name, saved the changes, then tore off a bit of skin, and once again ate the orange. Placing the orange peel in the KitchenSync, he tapped the "extract" key, which caused the Sync to make a blender-like noise. On the PC screen, there was a brief pause, then the contact's name changed. There was a cheer from the developer's corner.

"After reviewing handheld operating systems from 3COM and Microsoft, we have asked Linus Torvalds to design the OS for our Oranj. This will ensure the survival of the product, as anything Linus does is emulated by hundreds of millions of geeks everywhere."

The press release was interrupted by the arrival of three helicoptors full of Microsoft executives, lawyers, and armed guards. They bought Orchard Technologies on the spot for $250 Million dollars, and promptly renamed it to "Microsoft Orchard 99".

"Once again, Microsoft is at the forefront of innovation," babbled a corporate drone.

---------Two Weeks Later---------

Microsoft announced it had succeeded in fitting Windows CE into its new MS-Orange handheld organic PIM. In a press demo at WindowsWorld 99, top executives gathered to watch the unveiling of the new product. Bill Gates himself was on hand, having just finished his deposition to the DOJ. A banner entitled "What Do You Want to Eat Today?" hung over the stage.

Demo team leader Hiro Takedablame opened with the words, "We asked our focus group, what would you like to see in this product? 97% said, No Bugs. 3% said, a USB port. So, we built in a USB port. We've also installed Windows 98 CE into the MS-Orange, and we'd like to demonstrate the unique capabilities of this product." Bill smiled.

With those words, he dropped the orange into the MS-ActiveActivator and pressed a few keys. The orange vibrated briefly, then was still. "Windows CE is now booting", announced Hiro. "It will build a swap file inside the orange, and start to load in Outlook98. Then we'll plug in this USB faxmodem and watch it auto-detect it."

At this point the orange swelled to the size of a pumpkin and exploded all over the demo team. The press laughed. They roared. They screamed. Bill frowned.

"Umm... hmm... umm.." said a red-faced Hiro. "Looks like an out of memory error. I guess that's why we're not shipping it yet, huh?" Weak laughter from the executives.

It should be noted that many such incidents have been reported to Microsoft by the beta testers, but were ignored by the team.

---------Several days after that, Across the World...---------

Orchard Technologies recently issued a press release of more handheld organic computing devices being readied for market. "Thanks to Microsoft's infusion of cash in purchasing the Orange, we were able to go ahead with research on other, more powerful products. I'd like to introduce the Orchard Apple, the Orchard Grape, and the Orchard Banana." Almost simultaneously, Linus Torvalds announced the beta release of the world's first preemptive multitasking organic kernel, designed to work on the MS-Orange.

"This was nothing, really", Torvalds said. "converting from binary to Base4 DNA was a little difficult, but not impossible, thanks to our well-documented source code and help from developers worldwide."

"Our next project will be to build kernels that support clustering for Orchard's latest developments, the Grape and Banana. We've already laid out plans for resource sharing and low-level data exchange, called Grapevine, and from what I've seen of the initial code, it'll make Beowulf look like a TRS-80. We've also started work on the Apple, but there are some difficulties at the core level to work through."

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3. MICROSOFT ACQUIRES HELL

Microsoft (tm) today announced it has acquired Hell, a non-corporal based developer of sin, punishment and evil.

"Microsoft is pleased to add key personnel from Hell to the Microsoft Windows NT User Interface team," said John Allneck, senior vice president of the personal and business systems group at Microsoft. "With the new technologies and research capability this move has brought to us, we hope to bring the misery of our users to a whole new level.

"Microsoft and Hell share the same vision of providing our customers with unparalleled levels of suffering and damnation," said Beelzebub, Lord of Flies and CEO Hell. "We're very pleased that, as part of Microsoft product offerings, our philosophy will now benefit a much wider group of customers."

This new acquisition has met heavy criticism from religion industry analysts. "Every new PC purchased will bring Satan into the home," said Gabriel, director of Public Relations for Heaven, Hell's chief competitor.

"While it might be true that the evil can be exorcised with an installation of Linux or a BSD, the user must have a choice whether or not to embrace Evil in the first place. That's the whole point of this free will exercise, after all." Representatives from religions such as Buddhism and Shintoism are equally dismayed. "Hell has never been a part of our development program," reported the Dalai Lama. Now, "we have a choice. We can either incorporate Hell into our beliefs, or divest ourselves of all Microsoft technology. While the latter sounds like an extremely appealing option, we run the risk of alienating those of our clients who have been subverted by Microsoft."

Responding to calls to cease the integration of Hell products into the Windows NT line, Allneck claimed that they "form a vital component of the whole Windows NT design. If eternal torment had to be purchased separately, there would be no way to guarantee the user would receive what they have come to expect from a Microsoft operating system."

In response to Heaven's allegations, Allneck pointed out that, since a choice was available, free will has not been violated. "Frankly, I simply don't understand the complaint. The route to Hell has traditionally been easier than the route to Heaven. This is merely a confirmation of that reality."

Officials from the Department of Justice have confirmed that they have no plans to extend the current anti-trust investigation. "Unfortunately, the constitutional conditions on the separation of Church and State bind our hands in this matter," said a departmental spokesman. When asked what action was recommended to people and corporations affected by the Hell-Microsoft merger, the DOJ official responded, "I suggest they pray."

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4. LINUX WELCOMED IN KINDERGARTENS

In a development that took industry pundits by surprise, Linux is receiving a massive boost in popularity as 4-6 year olds everywhere adopt it as their operating system of choice.

"I like Linux," said Amanda, aged 5. "It sounds so funny," she giggled. "Linux Linux Linux! Oh and the penguin is so cute!!!!" Her desk mate, Barbara, agreed with Amanda's views. But Barbara is also impressed by the stability of the operating system, and the remarkable performance it can eke out of her humble 486 machine. "Many young children do not have access to top of the range processors," Barbara (aged 4 and a half) pointed out, "since often we are expected to make do with the cast-offs of our elder siblings. Our families just don't appreciate how computationally intensive today's kindergarten homework has become. With Linux, hacking up a play-doh stress analysis simulation is a breeze. Without it, I can't see how I'd get everything done before my bed-time at 5:30."

Luke, who sits behind Amanda and Barbara and likes to make cricket noises, stated that for him the major attraction of Linux was simply that it is a Unix operating system. "It's pipes, man," he said. "It's, like, a command-line interface to everything. It's freedom dude. It is power to the people. It is the cat's pajamas. Chirp. Chirp chirp chirp."

Clarence was the one dissenting voice in the classroom. "Linux is for losers," he sniffed. "My Daddy says Linux is just for scruffy tech types who never wash and refuse to fill in their time sheets properly no matter how often he asks them and he'd fire them only the big boss wouldn't let him just because of their stupid high productivity levels."

Clarence recently got into trouble with the teacher, Mrs. Justine, for incorporating ideas from other students into his own homework and then aggressively trying to prevent their work reaching the homework pile.

"Mrs. Justine just doesn't understand the competitive dynamics of today's kindergartens," Clarence claims. "When she imposes her narrow, outdated views of right and wrong on her students, she stifles innovation and rewards those with cumbersome, inefficient, static value systems. My Daddy says if I work hard at school and do better than the other kids, one day I might be the next Bill Gates. How could any self-respecting teacher risk destroying that dream?" Mrs. Justine declined to comment. She also declined to notice when Luke brought Clarence one step closer to his dream by slamming a pie in his face.

Courtesy of Robert W. Hix Jr.